Terrified! So, with my concrete declarations of the attention to work one day and be off disability in six months, I had a complete panic attack over that today. I hyperventilated to my friend this afternoon, “Who do I think I am, what do I think this is! I have MS, what if I break off disability, get a job and then make too much money and have to leave my subsidized apartment and then I have a major attack and I lose everything again.” The last time that happened as I said last night, I suffered bankruptcy, loss of direct care of my children, loss of my job, homelessness, forced to drop out of college and stop driving. Who do I think I am. “What if? What if? What if?”
I did what I do when feeling desperately frightened, I shared my fears with a friend. I got all my terrified visions out on the table, she patiently listened to it all, then offered her prudent concerns, because there are many to consider here and offered up positive thoughts too. I said a couple things, I said, “I need to ask God for help, I need to meditate and I need to be around other people tonight.” I phoned a colleague in my non-profit I am involved with, who invited me to a service meeting tonight. “Perfect!”, I answered, “I’ll go.” Then, I sat quiet with a meditation book and sought out a moment of sanity. I like meditation books when I feel this way especially, because the comforting words on the pages push out the crazy “Oh my God!” thinking in my head. I’ll explain my concept of God to you, briefly. God, to me is synonymous with the Power of positive or negative thought, much like the law of gravity. I just find it easier to call that idea GOD. Nice simple three letter word.
Emmet Fox was a Christian Scientist and one of the founding members of the New Thought Movement. Fox was at his height of popularity as a speaker in the 1930’s in New York City. I have a book of his quotes put together in a daily meditation format called “Around the Year with Emmet Fox.” This is the book I picked up this afternoon to meditate with. I closed my eyes and asked for help and flipped the book open. Out of the two pages, I chose to read the right side, December 7 (page 341):
IS IT A LIE?
Thoughtless people sometimes say that our affirmations and meditations are foolish because we state what is not so. “To claim that my body is well or being healed when it is not, is only to tell a lie,” said one distinguished man some years ago.
This is to misunderstand the whole principle. We affirm the harmony that we seek in order to provide the subconscious with a blueprint of the work to be done. When you decide to build a house your architect prepares drawings of a complete house. Actually, of course, there is no such house on the lot today, but you would not think of saying that the architect was drawing a lie. He is drawing what is to be, in order that it may be. So, we build in thought the conditions that will later come into manifestation on the physical plane.
What is your intelligence for if not to be used in building the kind of life that you want? Very primitive men in prehistoric times rejoiced when they found food growing anywhere, and then they waited, perhaps for years, until they happened to find another crop. Today we use our intelligence, and plant in good time the actual crops that we want; and the amount that we consider necessary. We do not sit about hoping that wheat or barley may fortunately come up somewhere. If we did that, civilization would collapse.
The time has come when intelligent men and women must understand the laws of Mind, and plant consciously the crops that they desire; and just as carefully pull up the weeds that they do not want.
Then I told them of the hand of my God which was good upon me; …and they said, Let us rise up and build. So they strengthened their hands for this good work (Nehemiah 2:18).
What are the odds that out of 365 pages, I get this one. How apropos, this alleviated my fears, and, at least for the moment, reassured me that I am going in the right direction. An action that will help too I think is to ask the Wahls Protocol Group I follow on Facebook if others went back to work successfully from disability, how old and did you have financial back up, such as a second income in the house, or were you alone. I’d like to hear what those experienced with Protocol, some as much as seven, eight years have to say. Till then, I’m off to exercise tomorrow than an afternoon in Banff (Rocky Mountains) with a another good friend. I’m up to three friends instrumental in pulling me out of this mood. Nothing like majestic mountains to get your mind off doubt and fear! I began this page with the word “Terrified”. But, will end it with, “Gratitude.” That is a fine day.