A word on eating disorders

I have had problems with eating all my life. I was an obese kid till age 11 when my mother enrolled me in gymnastics and the weight just poured off. I found that I absolutely loved exercise. On my own, I road my bike aggressively for miles everyday, I jumped rope everyday and played tennis up against a wall. I was 120 lbs in the third grade and at 12, my full height, I was still 120 lbs, because of the exercise. After my parents divorce that same year, we moved into the projects and most of my teen years were starving years. That caused a condition in me where I can’t tolerate feeling deprived of food. So diets that limit food ridiculously, never worked for me. Weight Watchers was the only one that did work, because of their eat all the veggies you want (not counting what I am following right now, which is infinitely better than even Weight Watchers).

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1986 Age 24

From the age of 15 till I retired at 24, I was a dancer and acrobat. I worked out in a gym two hours a day, five days a week and I danced four to five, twenty minute, acrobatic shows a day, six days a week. Even with all that exercise, it was still possible for me to put weight on, which couldn’t happen with that job. And so, I became bulimic. After retiring, I developed a condition where I would keep just enough weight on me to deter advances from men. That’s a whole other story, I won’t get into the details of here. I mention it only to show the many layers of dysfunction I have around the simple act of eating.

 

When I went on the Wahls Protocol two years ago for three months and despite the fact that I physically improved dramatically in that time, the above reasons are the main ones that I stopped the diet (losing weight so fast, wasn’t ready for it). In the last two years, because I knew this is what I must do, I set to work. I saw a psychiatrist, a psychologist for psycho-therapy and I went for counseling with a place that specializes in therapy for victims of sexual abuse. I worked very hard journaling my thoughts and feelings and worked within a support group. I have come a long way with this, this has been a monkey on my back for way too long and I am tired of it.  This diet lifestyle is very good. For one thing, you eat a lot and still lose weight. Then of course there’s the incredible health benefits and treatment for my neurological illness. The weight is melting off and that old pull to boomerang back is here. I am not ignoring it, I am acknowledging it and embracing it and then I am wishing this feeling farewell.

Imagery:

I am a healthy thin and I am confident in looking my best (not afraid). I am biking, cross country skiing and hiking. I’m strong and not the least bit obsessed with how I look, like a child, I just am. There was a choral group of women in the 90’s in New Hampshire. They sang a song called, “There are no mirrors in my grandma’s house.”

Picture from Pexels: /www.pexels.com/photo/woman-wearing-silver-diamond-ring-biting-green-apple-41660/

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